Do I Love Thee?
by BethanyChristine
Summary: Ever has it been that love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation ..... A Jolie fic.
1. Chapter 1

Well this is my first One Life To Live fanfic and it has been inspired by the most amazing pairing of John and Natalie I am a Jolie thru and thru and can't wait for the day when they finally come together! Anyway with that said this story is going to be pretty angsty but I have some fun scenes planned later as well and some drama and romance of course but this first chapter well... it's VERY angsty but I did it that way for a reason so hopefully ya'll will enjoy it and please let me know if you do!

When love beckons follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions May wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

As the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you,

So shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth,

So is he for your pruning.

As they stood there in his room looking at each other she felt hope. He said before that he couldn't lose someone else he loves and she thought that meant something, "the something", that she had been waiting for, praying for. But now he looks at her with so much pain in his eyes and something else ... anger maybe? Whatever it is she won't accept that she is in this love alone, she can't.

She looks at him with all that she feels on her face plainly written there for the world to read or maybe not, maybe only him, only because he can read her like a book, he always has. Sometimes she hated that, but not tonight. Tonight he needs to know how deep this goes in her, that it's not just a crush or infatuation, that it's real and that she needs him and has always wanted him.

She can feel the electricity in the air between them it's always there, tonight she can taste it. And here she goes. He can deny it all he wants yet inside she feels the truth. So she says ...

"You love me John. I know you love me."

He wonders to himself how she can sound so sure when he himself doesn't even know. What gives her the confidence to believe that his heart is hers? He looks into her eyes and is drawn to her until he is close enough to touch her, which he does. He reaches out a hand and gently strokes her hair, lightly caresses her face. She is so beautiful. Then he hits his wall, the one that's always there the one that always stops him cold ... _'Man what are you doing! This is wrong. You can't have her, you DON'T want her. Make her leave. Make her believe that you don't love her. It's the only way'_

Her heart had stopped beating the moment he touched her and she thought that this was the moment the truth would finally be spoken, but then she looks up and his eyes are so cold. His hand drops from her face and he steps away.

"Natalie I've tried to tell you this before but hurting you is never something I have been able to do. Now I have to set you straight. Honestly I care for you very much I always have and I believe that I always will, but there can never be anything between us. My feelings for you aren't like that. I want to be there for you to help whenever you need me but I can't give you what you need."

"But John ..."

"No Natalie" he yells, "I don't want to be with you there was a time when I thought that maybe ... but no not anymore I don't know why you won't except it but that's it. And us, whatever we are or were or whatever you think we could be, is never going to happen"

"Fine John" she begins her voice a little unsteady at the pain his words inflict, "If you want me to believe you and to finally drop this once and for all, than look me in the eyes and swear to me that you do not love me. If you can do that than I will walk away and I won't look back "

_'Oh god Natalie what are you doing?'_ she thinks _'How can you walk away from him? Can you really live without him in your life?'_ But then she tells herself _'Don't worry about it! He won't say it, he can't say it because it's not true'_

John stands there looking down at her and wonders if he can actually say those words to her. _'Of course you can there only words and besides your hurting right now Evangeline just left you and it is partly because of Natalie. Why shouldn't she feel some of your pain?'_

All of a sudden, even from across the room she can feel his whole body tense and he walks over to where she is standing he takes her by the shoulders and looks deeply into her eyes and she thinks _'This is it, the moment I've dreamed of ' _and then he says ...

"I do not love you Natalie. I never have felt anything more than guilt towards you because I got your husband killed and all of the pain that caused you I knew you needed someone and I knew what you felt so I was there. It was never anything more than that!"

He said it. Natalie can already sense the void within her. She doesn't feel like crying, she doesn't feel anything. She knows what heartbreak feels like she has felt it many times before, but this ... This was way beyond that, there were no words to explain the feeling of actually not feeling anything at all.

He lets her go and turns away not able to look in her face and see the anguish stamped in her eyes knowing that he put itthere. The hurt he sees there he believes will haunt him always. _' Just hold onto your anger Johnny boy and your pain just a little longer than she'll be gone for good and she'll never know the truth whatever it may be.'_

"So do you believe me now Natalie? Can you finally accept the truth?"

Sadly she looks at him, still no tears, and she gives a half smile walking over to him she says "You may not love me but please don't ever forget that I do love you John and I have a feeling that you may always hold my heart. But I promised and I always keep my word so I guess this is ... Goodbye." She reaches up and places a chaste kiss on his cheek before she turns and runs out the door.

He was frozen. She had sounded so broken. He wanted to know how she could always make his heart stop with just a simple kiss the way she had just now? He uses every ounce of self control within his being to stop himself from running after her and undoing all that he had just done, but no, he was hurt and he wanted to know that he wasn't feeling this way alone. Though that may sound awful it was the truth and Natalie would get past it. She was tough, she'd said so many times. Besides she was better off without him in her life. Much better off.

The only problem now was ... What the hell wasHE going to do without HER in HIS life?

She's running down the stairs blindly. When she reaches the lobby she vaguely hears Roxy call out to her but she doesn't stop, she can't. Out the doors she continues and into the street still not slowing down. As long as she's running she won't think she can continue not feeling anything. But of course she has to stop and when she looks around she realizes that she is standing in Angel Square. And everything crashes around her, the pain closes in on her heart, the lump in her throat threatens to choke her and at last the tears start to fall unbidden down her checks. He doesn't love her and here she is again right on the threshold of happiness's door when yet again it is slammed in her face.

And this time she has no John to save her.

He sits quietly in the dark pondering his day. Wondering how he never suspected when he woke up this morning that by the time he was back in bed that night his entire world would be so different. Both of his women were gone. One relationship ended because he couldn't tell a lie. The other because he couldn't tell the truth.

And he wonders if she'll ever know how much he loves her?

So what do you think? Let me know!


	2. The next day

Natalie awoke the next morning to see the rain falling outside her window. "Oh this is perfect even the weather is depressed today!" Wanting desperately to stay in bed buried under the covers for the next ten, no make that twenty, years she lays there wondering if that would be a bad thing. And yet she knows responsibility well and she refuses to let John take any more of her dignity away. So no matter how devastated and incredibly hurt she may be she rolls out of bed and heads to the shower.

John Mcbain be damned! She was going to work today!

He lays on his bed after a very long sleepless night agonizing over every word spoken and every thought that had crossed his mind during his discussion with Natalie the night before. He still can't believe that he actually wanted to inflict pain on her and not only that but that he had done it with no compassion and that he had let her run away into the night when there is a murderer just waiting for his next opportunity to strike ... strike against his Natalie. "Damn it Man what the HELL is wrong with you? You accomplished what you wanted didn't you? She's gone. She believed you. Now she will stay away and this will be the last time she ever hurts because of you!"

John wonders where that voice is coming from I mean it's always been there but he usually agrees with it, except this time he could feel a battle waging within himself, between his need to keep her at arms length because of her uncanny ability to see into his soul and he doesn't want to ever let anyone in that deep, but then there is the need to have her near to know she is ok and yes he'll admit it to himself the need to know that she loves him and that she isn't with someone else, someone that isn't him.

"Oh well you've been trying for almost two years to come to a decision about where Natalie belongs in your life and last night your anger went ahead and made that decision for you so just roll with it. And keep telling yourself that it's better for her this way maybe that will make it bearable."

Yeah ... right.

Natalie walked into the kitchen at Llanfair still not feeling any better about her day. She noticed that her mother and Jess were sitting at the breakfast table already.

"Good morning Darling. Did you sleep well?" Her mother asks her. Natalie wonders if she wants to share her pain with her family. She needs some support but at the same time she feels so humiliated. Oh what the hell.

"Actually no I had an awful night, As a matter of fact it's been a pretty crummy year all together and it finally hit me last night that I have no idea who the heck I am anymore!"

Both Vicki and Jess had stopped eating when Natalie started her tirade and now they were both staring at her like she had horns on her head or something 'Oh great Nat make em think your crazy.'

"Ok Nattie where did THAT come from?" This question came from Jess.

"I'm sorry guys I don't think I want to talk about it after all."

"Oh no you don't. Honey if something is wrong I want to know and obviously you do need to talk about it otherwise you never would have gone off just now... Right?" Vicki looked at her daughter hoping that she would open up to them.

Natalie was just looking for an excuse to pour her heart out and that was it she finally broke ... God she could feel the tears starting to come back already. She sat down at the table and looked at them both and as the tears started to fall she spoke ...

"Ya know when I lost Cristian I thought that I could never love anyone ever again I mean at least not like that." They both nodded at her they knew better than anyone what Natalie had gone through when her husband died.

"But Mom ... I was wrong." She was sobbing now and Vicki had a feeling she knew what this was all about now.

"Oh sweetheart is this about John Mcbain?" Natalie looked up and the pain Vicki saw in her daughters eyes was enough to make her want to kill the lieutenant. But of course Vicki had way to much class to ever say that out loud so she simply asked her daughter,

"Do you want to tell us what happened?"

"Yeah why not I've already been humiliated in front John what's two more people that I love matter?" Jess reached over and took a hold of her sisters hand hoping to give her some comfort Natalie gave a little smile to her. Truthfully it did make her feel a little better knowing that they were there for her. Vicki couldn't help but beam at her beautiful girls they always made her so proud.

"Well you both know what happened in the woods the other day when the killing club murderer shot at me, but what I didn't tell you was that afterwards when John and I were alone he was so upset with me for putting myself in danger like that, we kind of had an argument and then all of a sudden John grabbed me by the shoulders and told me that he couldn't lose someone else that he loves. Ok now before you say anything let me tell you that I've already gotten the lecture that he meant love as in they way he loves his family or friends blah blah blah whatever I was there I saw his eyes and I felt the emotion that was in his voice. I really believed after that moment that he was in love with me." After reliving that memory she wonders again how she's ever going to except that he doesn't love her?

"And then on top of all that last night Evangeline broke up with John so being me of course I went over to his hotel to see Roxy and yes I was kinda hoping that I might run into him, which I did." She was having a hard time breathing as the pain of the night before came back full force she wasn't sure if she could tell them the rest.

"Oh Nattie you didn't sleep with him on the rebound did you? Please tell me you didn't do that!" Jess squeezed her sis's hand and Natalie just had to laugh.

"No Jess I didn't sleep with him instead I told him that I knew he loved me." They both just looked at her. "Yeah I know stupid thing to do. No one can ever truly know another persons feelings but I honestly believed it everything that he does supports that conclusion and maybe it was that a part of me desperately wanted it to be true but that's what I thought and that's what I said."

"Ok Honey so what did he say to that?" Vicki realized that might have been the wrong thing to ask when her daughters eyes filled with tears once again.

"Well the gist of the whole thing was he said that he does not love me and that he only cares about me because he got Cris killed and he felt guilty about that and that it was never anything more than that to him." She barely made it through that, the words tasted so bitter in her mouth.

After a few moments of shocked silence from Vicki and Jessica at the thought that John could be so cruel, especially to Natalie, Jess said...

"Well you want me to get Antonio to use his mob connections and put out a hit on him? I'll use my trust fund to pay for it!" Jess was hoping to make her laugh and it worked.

Vicki and Jess both reached over to embrace Natalie as she laughed through her tears.

"Natalie darling your such a strong young woman you will survive this I know you will." Natalie listened to those words but she didn't believe them her heart had been ripped out too many times. Even Humpty Dumpty had his limit at how many times he could be put back together. Well so did she and she didn't think her heart would ever be the same again. She needed to do something other than wallow in self pity though.

"Well I've got to go to work I'm already late and now I look like hell."

"Oh no dear you look beautiful as always. And I'm so proud of you for being mature enough to go to work and face your life instead of trying to hide from it."

"Yeah well that's me, the phoenix rising from the ashes once again." She said sarcastically. Her mother just cast her an exasperated look and kissed her on the check.

"Maybe the three of us should do dinner tonight. Are you both available?" Both girls looked at their mother and nodded.

"Perfect then I'll see you both say around 7 at the Palace?" After they all agreed Natalie left for work.

John was sitting in his office trying to concentrate on work when there was a knock on his door. He said "Come in" without even looking up. But then he sensed her presence and he slowly allowed his gaze to rise from the paper he was reading as she walked over to his desk.

"Forensics just delivered this file for you. Also Uncle Bo wanted me to tell you that he needs to speak with you before he leaves for lunch and the task force meeting that was supposed to happen the other day that never did has been rescheduled for three thirty this afternoon." After getting all of that out Natalie turned around and stormed out of his office before John had even had a chance to form a coherent thought.

He hated this. He hated that she hated him and he didn't know how long he would be able to let this continue.

"Man you need to get over yourself already. You don't need Natalie in your life all she does is make you feel things you don't want to feel and then she goes and tries to get herself killed which almost makes you have a heart attack every damn time. If she stays in your life you'll be dead by the time your forty. JUST LET HER GO!"

Well that's what he was doing ... Wasn't it?


	3. The Force

Okie dokey this has been a crazy week for me. This part started out very slow for me it took a while for me to finally get the feel of it but once I did it just started pouring out of me. Don't ya'll love that feeling of forcing yourself to write and then all of a sudden you hit that point where you can see it happening in your head and you don't even have to think about what to write next because your just typing the scene as it plays out? Uh my heart was beating so fast as I was writing the second half cause I could so totally see Jolie in a scene like that.

Anyway I won't spoil it for you guy's and hopefully you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Bethany :)

She sat at her desk staring off into space with a rather odd expression on her face, dozens of people passed in front of her but she didn't seem to notice any of them.

He watched her from the doorway and he could feel himself aching inside for her. It killed him to know that he was hurting her. He wondered again for the thousandth time, since he had told her he didn't love her, if he was doing the right thing. Honestly he didn't even know what the right thing was anymore.

He had tried so hard to stay away from her ever since they first met but something always pulled him back to her side. He was powerless to resist that force, even though he had tried many times.

Now he stands there thinking about all the consequences of his many actions. Not only had he hurt Natalie but he had hurt Evangeline as well. She had genuine feelings for him and he had allowed her to devolop them knowing full well that he could never reciprocate.

Unless there was someone who could exorcise Natalie from within his heart. But, then, even if they got her out of his heart ... he doubted they would ever be able to get her out of his blood.

Natalie sat there completely unaware that she was the object of such thought's. Actually she felt totally miserable,she'd predicted earlier that today was gonna be bad and it had been. Everything had gone wrong from spilling hot coffee all over herself to accidently taking her own purse to the lost and found cause she couldn't figure out who's it was. Hell she'd even answered the phone a few time's and said "Rodi's" instead of "Llanview P.D".

And of course ... then there was John. She had probably walked an extra ten miles more than she'd had to that day just to avoid having to walk in front of his office, instead she chose the long way around the building.

Not that she was avoiding a confrontation with him it's just that the pain was still so fresh, that her heart felt like it had been stabbed anew every time she thought about him, which was at least every other minute. She didn't need any extra reminders. So she avoided everything John related. Except for earlier that morning when she'd had to deliver that file and give him some messages she hadn't seen him at all.

All of a sudden the phone rang bringing both John and Natalie out of their revelries. John straightened up from where he had been leaning on the door frame as he heard her answer the phone

"Llanview Police department. How may I help you?"

"Oh hey Todd..."

John could sense something was wrong just from the way her back stiffened and her hand moved to her mouth.

"Oh... No... I'm coming." She hung up the phone with a slam as John started forward to see what was wrong. She turned to pick up her purse and as she was getting ready to leave she noticed John standing next to her desk.

"Natalie I heard you on the phone is everything O.K?" In that moment all she could think of was what Todd had told her on the phone and she knew that she didn't have time to get into it, so she simply brushed past him without saying a word ... but not before he had seen the look of pure panic in her eyes.

And there it was. The force was back. He couldn't stop himself from following her.

Natalie arrived at the hospital in full speed, she ran into Kevin at the entrance and they walked together , more like jogged, to the elevator as fast as both of them could. Natalie stood impatiently waiting for it to reach the fourth floor, while Kevin repeatedly hit the button with the floor number on it over and over.

As soon as the doors opened they were both out and rounded the corner like it was the finish line in a race.

"Todd where is she? Is she ok? What the hell happened?" Natalie barely caught her breath before she started firing her questions.

"Woe Nat just slow down. She's with the doctor's now. They think she had a heart attack but she's still alive ... so there's hope."

"Oh my god a heart attack?" Kevin gasped, "how long before we'll know any ..." He broke off as Doctor Miller came out of the emergency room.

"Paige, How's my Mom doing."

"Hey Natalie, Well she's not doing very good right now, she is stable at the moment but we're going to have to operate within the next couple of hours to keep her that way."

"Oh my god" Kevin noticed that Natalie was starting to lose it and he took her into his arms and held her as Paige started explaining the details of the operation. Todd asked if it would be possible to see her before they took her to the operating room.

"Well she's unconscience but you are welcome to spend a moment with her." Todd and Kevin headed for Vicki's room before they noticed that Natalie wasn't with them.

"You guy's go ahead I don't think she needs to hear me crying in front of her so please just give her my love and tell here I'm here.OK?" They both hesitated before nodding and going on into her room.

Natalie was in state of pure panic everything was going wrong in her life and it was starting to become way to much for her to handle and she didn't have anyone to turn to for comfort ... not anymore.

She started walking, not sure where to, she just needed a quiet place so that she could freak out without anyone around.

John had been standing around the corner listening to the exchange between the Doctor and Natalie's family. He could tell just from Natalie's tone of voice that she was about to fall off the edge that she was precariously perched on.

He followed her as she started walking, he was pretty sure that she had no idea where she was going. But he wanted to be there for her when she stopped ... and when she broke down, which he knew was what she was about to do.

She ended up in the chapel standing next to a row of lit candles, not quite sure why she was here, it had alway's felt to her like her prayers were ignored.

She slowly walked up to the altar where there were several different denominations displayed, the virgin mary, Jesus on a cross, a jewish star ... all sitting there, miniature versions of what you would normally find in their different followers respective churches. She wasn't sure which, if any of them, represented her own non existent faith in a higher being. She ran her hand over each of them wondering what their point was it's not like they could do anything for her or her mother. They were just clay and plaster and metal. Physical things that had no place representing a spiritual realm.

The longer she stared at them the more they became the objects of her pain and her hatred, it seemed like they mocked her, taunted her saying "If only you had been a better person, if only you had been less selfish, if only you had loved more or hated less than your mother would be fine now, Cristian would have never died ... John would love you. But no you ... YOU screwed up. Everything is your fault. If only..."

And finally she couldn't take it anymore, she started sobbing as she picked up the statute of Mary and threw her across the room, next came the Jesus and the Star, she felt it fitting that they broke along with her.

Her cries became worse and she started sinking to the floor feeling complete despair.

But in the next instant she was caught up in a strong, familiar embrace. The one that had gotten her through the hardest times in her young life. She didn't know why he was there ... she didn't care. She held onto him as if he were her lifeline knowing, in fact, that he was.

He held onto her for dear life, wishing desperately that he could take her pain away, make everything better for her. But since he couldn't do that in the real world he just did what he had always done ...

He held her as close to his heart as he possibly could.

Whispering soothing words of comfort in her ear as he lightly stroked her back and prayed for God to make everything alright ... for her sake.

It took several minutes before Natalie regained control of herself and realized where she was. In the hospital chapel. In John's arm's. Her heart skipped a beat as she realized that he had followed her from the police department, that he had still been here for her in her moment of need even though he said that he didn't love her ... Wait, that's right, he didn't love her. So what the hell did he think he was doing, following her, caring about her ... Holding her!

In that moment of realization she pulled away from him. He let her go reluctantly but he could sense that she had realized the condtradiction between the word's he had spoken the night before and his actions just then. He wondered what she thought that meant. Hell he wondered what HE thought that meant.

But instead of saying anything she just looked at him, this time with a guarded expression on her face, one that she had never given him before and he knew that the wall he'd struggled so hard to build between them since the beginning, the one she'd always managed to knock down whenever it had gotten a little height to it, had finally been erected ... By her.

She turned from him and walked out of the chapel. Could it be possible that she hadn't noticed the truth in his embrace, hadn't read the words in his eyes?

She had alway's interpreted those things to mean that he did love her but he had the feeling that this time she had finally accepted his lies. This time, it seemed, she actually believed that he didn't love her.

"Well that IS what you were going for wasn't?" Yeah, he thought, it was what he'd wanted. And yet he couldn't understand why he felt like his heart had just walked out the door.

With Natalie.


End file.
